Sorry Folks But You Have To Read This
I am a shamed. I have not updated my site for a very long time
(my cheese is sorry too.)
The reason is so long and complex that I will explain it right here, so please sit down, pop some popcorn, and wait tensively for the apocalypse.
Last whenever, I was in my front lawn, trying to cantact aliens, when a red convertible pulled up my driveway. In it sat Bimbo, the escaped monkey from the Zoo. I asked him what he was doing on a fine day like this when he showed me his completed script for
Hamlet. I was astonished. I never thought Bimbo liked the works of
Shakespeare. He always seemed more a fan of J. K. Rowling. He asked me if I could get it published. I agreed, and he handed me the script, and I faxed it to some publishing company, where the trouble began.
Now, my fax machine is an odd thing. I did not have time or money to buy one of those fancy-shmancey "HI-TECH" fax machines with "INK" or "PAPER" or "BUTTON PANELS". No, I decided I'd build my own. I simply hooked up my smoothie blender to my lawnmower and hooked it into a telo-phone line and I had a great fax machine. The only problem was the high probability of opening a trans-dimentional warpfield into the fifth dimention, which always seems to happen around teatime. This, obviously, was what happened.
When I came to, I adjusted my eyes to the nuclear photonic light that radiated from all three suns of the planet of Vel~46|P, and realized that Bimbo's script was not arriving anytime soon. I expressed my worries to an intelligent lifeform of the fifth dimention, who appears to our eyes as a small stone. (Perhaps it was just a small stone. I will never know.) When I became sort of tired of this new, alien frontier, I decided to jump into the nearest passing wormhole, where I discovered myself to be here, 3 days into the future from when I had started to think about this. I will now sign off for a nice cup of expresso.
EBAY
I bought this awesome thing off ebay. GO EBAY! It only cost me five hundred grand.
Ham 2.0
Everybody loves ham. And everybody loves fruit milkshakes. So why don't we make fruity ham? It would be the latest sensation, and would be served everywhere, even
Cheese Hut. I even have a recipe!
1 cup Sliced Ham
2 tablespoons Vinegar
3 lightly roasted Pineapples
2 cans of Fruit Salad
1 Mix together pineapples + fruit in a blender.
2 Drizzle on Ham for 2 hours.
3 Add Vinigar to taste.
4 Throw Ham into Trashbin.
5 Run, screaming from Godzilla.
Well, I's gots to run. Kaitlen is 4tg3 typing fd656u random ke98ys, and I 986ujh think it's anno++yin00g.
B1098klmklye!
I'm Not Filled with Anchovies this Friday!
This
Friday I made a brilliant relavation.
I'm not filled with anchovies this Friday. Anchovies are small, helpless fishies that go
glub when you don't want them too, which is annoying. Sometimes I am so angry that I beat the anchovie's head into a
slime.
As you can see, anchovies are just freaky fishies,
and should not be eaten this Friday! Some people even put anchovies into
pizzas, which is just wrong. One day, I had this conversation with an anchovie:
ME: So, how's it like being an anchovie?
ANN.: Glub.
ME: Glub? Really?
ANN.: Glub.
ME: Oh, Snooglephres. Is all you say "Glub?"
ANN.: Of course not! What do you think I am, some kind of pizza topping?
As you can (sic.) plainly see, anchovies are peoples too. Be kind to your anchovies!
Basic arithmetic
Yesterday, my math teacher threw a new problem at me. It hurt. Does anyone out on this wide, desolate net know a cure for Mathematics? I'm starting to grow a poiple rash on my left intestine. Why must this be so? To figure out a cure for math, I made the following formula:
Where X equals the difficulty of the math problem on a scale from one to ten, and M is the percentage of your daily Ani-Mango intake, and Frn is how many French Languages you speak, and Q is how much hand lotion you should rub on your tummy, Then X/2M-Frn=2Q.
As you may or may not be able to see, If you do not eat any Ani-Mangos, you cannot be cured for your problem. So, as the wise archimedes says,
"Snooglephres."
To Stu, or not to Stu
Stu. Stu is a dangerous word, in the wrong hams. For instance, if a man who insists on you calling him Bob walks up to you and says,"I therefore Stu you to Stu!", you know that Stu is near. To all people named Stu, I advise you get away from this website, to someplace like cheese dot com. You may be offended by anti-stu behavior.
Everybody besides Stu, you are to be warned. Stu's are dangerous individuals who sometimes take the fancy to run around, waving around a month-old slice of ground chuck screaming,
"NOODLES TASTE GOOD IN PEANUT BUTTER!!!!!" (Okay, that was me, but my name is relatively Stu-like. Snoof. Stu. Snu. Stoof. Snofu?) Anyhoozah, Stu-like individuals can be violent and dangerous if left alone. If you see a Stu today, I highly reccomend throwing bits of plaster at him. It may cause more peace in the world.
Stock quotes for Stu.
Lollipops
Ah, lollipops. These small, fruity bits of hardened sugar are sure to brighten up anyone's day. Hard on the outside, but on the inside... it is still hard. Actually, why do you see chidren eating lollypops anyway? They may taste good, but they are not all that yummy or filling. Why do elementary school teachers give children these so-called "lollypops" when they are good, anyway? Why not give the good children
cheese instead? In the future, I hope schools will have happy situations like this everyday:
TEACHER: Joey, what is two plus two?
JOEY: Umm... between the range of zero and ten?
TEACHER: Hooray for you, Joey! Have some cheese!
JOEY: Hooray! Cheese!
(overcome with glee, he begins to prance around.) Cheese! Cheese! Cheese! Chee...
BOBBY: Hey, why can't we have some cheese?
SUE: Yeah! We want cheese too!
JAMES: Give us cheese or face annhilation!
(giant mobs of cheese-possesed children chase after teacher, who then remembers what a nice job garbage collecter is.)
Actually, we couldn't have that. Good teachers are hard to come by, and the NYS education buget is getting lower and lower. The added cost of cheese could use up all the school's remaining expences and cause it to have to close.
Now, that's not such a bad idea.
Ahahahahahahahahah!
CHEESE DOT COM: The only reason the internet was invented.
Poetry Corner
HAMSTERS
Oh, dear hamsters. How much you mean to me.
You run about all day in a little wheel, joyfully.
Your diet consists of lots of cheese.
And I would wish you would share, please.
Because I want cheese too, It tastes very fine.
You won't? Why, you insignificant swine?
I mean hamster.
Never mind.
Tune in next week for another Poetry Corner!
Pie and Its many uses.
You may be thinking right now, "Snooglephres." This is extremely normal, let me assure you, and can be cured by buying around six hundred two liter bottles of Mountain Dew Code Red and sending them to me, which may not help your situation, but will make me very hyper for about a year.
Another thing you may be thinking is "How many ways can pie be used to cause mass destruction?" The answer is simple, yet very long. I will give you the top ten ways:
10. Put pie over open flames. When it catches on fire, pick it up with your bare hands. This will hurt, so you will probably go running and screaming outside, where you will cause other people to start to panic, causing mass chaos.
9. Photograph pie. Publish it on the internet on a website that talks mainly about
"Science." To look at pie, people would have to read long, boring essays about the
"Theory of Relativity." Brain overloads would happen, and they will spontaneously combust in a wonderful burst of blue, yellow, and occasionly pink on the rare occasion that that person has been eating cotton swabs in the last twenty-four hours.
8. Add eight pounds of confectionary sugar to pie. Feed the pie to someone who has recently been at a wild party, spending late hours drinking expresso or Mountain Dew (Hey, that's what
I do at parties!) Stand back. (Don't forget your tranquilizers!)
7. Make seven pies. put them in a circle, with one in the center. Get a cat, and drop in in one of them. The cat will scream, jump out of the pie and land in another. The now infuriated cat will leap out of the pie, angry as a... pie-covered... cat? Then hit the cat with gamma rays (found in your household microwave) and stand back. A large, godzilla-like creature with a cherry flavor will demolish the surrounding countryside.
6. Err... I'm fresh out of I-dees. What to do, what to do...
I KNOW! You foolish readers, I mean, faithful bloggers can post uses of pie! I'll give out (imaginary) Awards! Post comments by clicking on
Post Comments.
PIE WILL DESTROY US ALL!
The Dangers of NOT Eating your Daily Ani-Mango
Every day, people seem to ask me these following questions:
1. Why don't you bother somebody else?
2. Can't you leave me alone?
3. What would happen to my entire biological structure if I ever
FORGET TO EAT MY DAILY ALLOWANCE OF ANI-MANGOS?
Actually, people don't ask me that last question too often, which explains how not eating Ani-Mangos is a worldwide issue. As my fairly, but not completely good friend (due to an incident involving a revolver, a slice of roast beef, and exacty three-hundred and six trained hamsters) posted on this site a warning message to all Non-Ani-Mango eaters. He/she/it said "With out Your daily supplement of Ani-mangos, you may expeience signs of grumpiness, sneezing, and a sheer urge to eat soap. Now you don't want that, do you?" I think all of us (except Bob) can understand this warning. Right now, sixety-three point two five eight percent of all citizens including, but not limited to, cheese-lovers, postage workers, and Nazis do not get their daily supplement of Ani-Mangos, resulting in high tempers, low blood pressure, and purple toes (why else were socks invented?) This is now a leading problem in our great nation, your great nation, and John Doe's great nation (a.k.a. Wigosvania.) I must bring the common peoples and llamas together to end this sad, cruel, and frequently involving George Clooney event that is causing... bad... causes.
EAT YOUR ANI-MANGOS!
Ani-mangos!
Today I met up with my old buddy, whose name is too long/hard to spell to put in here, reading a so-called "Mango" magazine from Japan, home of little robots that go beep, about some sort of legendary hero-type person who probably has a name like: "Yugishaman" or "Mystoria" or "Larry Pat". Anyway, I found it odd about the way he was lookin' at the "Mango".
He was reading it backwards! I thinked to meself,
This defies all logic! "Mangos" are supposed to be read from left to right! Then I realized something else that made me quiver in pure fear.
MANGOS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMALL, FLESHY FRUITS THAT YOU RINSE FOR THIRTY SECONDS IN WARM WATER AND THEN EAT, OR, IF YOU PREFER, CUT INTO SMALL, BITE-SIZED PIECES AND SERVED IN A FRUIT SALAD. This confused me and made me confused, which is very bad English on my part so I apologize. I was struck with a thought. These "Mangos" were from
Japan, so they must not be ordinary Mangos. These must be some special type of Mangos,
drawn in anime! Yes! These must be the legendary
ANI-MANGOS! I jumped in the air, overcome with glee, and hit the ground. Oops.
An Ode to Cheese
Today as I was making myself a double exspresso with extra sugar, I realized something very important.
CHEESE IS LIFE. Without cheese, we would have no cheesecake, no cheese pizza, no cheese curds! (Imagine that! A life without cheese curds! The very thought makes me shudder!) To honor this great and noble dairy product, June Sixth should be
National Cheese Day. For the entire day, we would only eat cheese, and nothing else. We would throw cheese parties, wear cheese hats, play cheesey Godzilla flicks, and, of course, eat
goldfish, the snack that smiles back. Then we would look sadly upon the poor, confused people who deny to celebrate cheese, and throw slices of roast beef at them. Poor, sad, non-cheese-loving people. It should be a crime not to love cheese,
punishable by death. One day, us cheese lovers shall
RULE THE WORLD! Hahahahaha! Ha! Ha...
So Cool
Homestar Runner Dot Com Rocks!
Hahahahahaha!
Visit it today!
A New Hope
Hello freinds! Enimies! Total strangers! Welcome to my blog.
I just started it. It's not very good. But stay tuned! It will get better!
I don't know what to write about. I'll think of something later.
Bye!
